I've Got This Covered

Sort of. Well, to the best of my ability anyway.

(singing) On a recent estate sale run, my true love gave to me: 2 pool chaises a lounging, 2 lamps a lighting, and a orange grungy settee bench.

More to come on the chaise lounges, but they were a huge necessity as we are 1st time pool owners and a brother's gotta get his bronze on, you know? The lamps will also be part of a separate ALL LIGHTING ALL THE TIME post, so get pumped for that. Let's focus on my foray into the fascinating world of upholstery, shall we?

The conversation went the same way it always does when Court finds something old and funky that needs a makeover:

Court: I like this. Can we do something with it?
Me: Oh, I've got this.

It's important to note that I did not, in fact, "have this." I have never re-upholstered anything. But, by God, I said I could do it and I wasn't going to back down, so....challenge accepted?

Let's just say that I now know why it costs so much to get something professionally re-upholstered. In short, it sucks. There's the tedious task of removing all old staples:

Then, there is the less complicated, but equally arduous task of measuring and cutting the new foam:

But, then came the fun part...attaching the new fabric. Here is the breakdown of what went down:

Fold edge, staple
Pull tight one way, staple
Pull tight other way, staple
Drink beer and evaluate progress
"Oh shit" (Remove previous staples)
Tell Court the whole thing is going on the curb for trash day
Start over
Finish
High-five myself
Swear I'm never doing it again

Probably not the informative "how to" you were looking for, but what am I, Martha Stewart? (Don't answer that).

It's important to point out that whilst I was toiling away on the bench, internally kicking myself for taking this project on in the first place, Court quipped "I have to admit, it looks pretty easy." Semi-related Knowledge Bomb #173: That's not a smart thing to say when I have a pneumatic stapler in my hand, capable of delivering 150 PSI of pure unadulterated pain.

Here is how it looked before:

Can I interest you in some mustard-colored crushed velvet?

And here is how it came out. Unfortunately, I still have a little bit of work left on this, namely some piping to cover the staples. But, you get the idea. Here would be a good time to mention that the word of the day for our master bedroom/bathroom is "silver."

Devil Dog, lying in wait, plotting to get on the new bench as soon as I turn around.

The Pit of Despair

That's what I call a certain spot in our backyard. Admittedly, I stole that phrase from The Princess Bride, but that doesn't make it any less apropos.

Here's the vicious cycle I've been dealing with. Let's break this down process-map-style with some sweet SmartArt:

Leading to this exchange:

Court: "We are having chicken tacos for dinner. Can you help me get the stuff out of my car tonight since it is raining?"
Me: "That sounds delish. I love...wait did you say it's raining?"
Court: "Yeah, it poured earlier."
Me: "FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING HOLY, I JUST WASHED THE DOGS!"

I have been making a point to put off any exterior projects until we get the bulk of our interior updates done, but obviously, this one needed attention tout freakin' suite. Otherwise, I would be doing this every time it rains:

Not a big deal during the Summer, since it only rains like twice a month, but come Fall and Winter, that's just about every other day, Boudreaux. Not. Gonna. Happen.

Here is a before pic of the bane of my existence.

I obviously didn't have enough rocks. Thanks for pointing that out though, jerk. So, I had to find another economical (read: "free") option to cover the space semi-permanently. If you've read any of my previous blog entries, you know what that means...STOP! PALLET TIME!

Two pallets, fresh out of the bone yard, coming right up. Since I wanted this, um, let's call it a "yard bridge," shall we? Yes, since I wanted this yard bridge to look halfway presentable and since I didn't want it to stick up from the ground like some sort of trailer-park-Macguyver solution, I went a different route. I disassembled it and built a lower profile frame to hold all of the pallet decking (all from leftover scraps I already had).

Next, I added my pallet boards and finished it off with a coat of Minwax red mahogany stain. Here, you can see my helper. And by helper, I really mean observer.

Hey dad, hand me that brush, will you? I swear I won't put it directly into my mouth.

All-in-all, I'm pretty satisfied with the results. I know, I still need some more rocks to surround it. I'm working on it though, so LAY OFF ME. Then, I can address the fact that the nearby, ahem, flowerbed is in serious need of some mulch.

Mindblowingly frustrating update: The Pit of Despair's little brother has reared it's ugly little head by the gate entrance to the backyard. After I bang my head against the brick wall a few times, I will tackle that project. On a somewhat related note, if one were to drop off two dogs in the middle of nowhere, what would be a good place and time of day to do it? Hypothetically, of course. And not me...a guy I know.